"You Don't Have Any Kids, So You Don't Count"

The last six jobs I've had, I worked with kids in some manner. Even if I'm only with these kids a short amount of time, I get attached. Before I know it, I love these kiddos, call them mine, and treat them as I would if they were biologically mine.

A few years ago I wrote a couple of posts touching on this topic: "They Call Me Momma Katelyn" and "It Doesn't Matter." One basically explains that my natural state is in the realm of motherhood, and the other offers examples of differences between me and my kids, but that none of them matter because they are, in fact, MY kids.

Recently, though, I've found myself becoming mad when a particular friend asks my opinion on something concerning kids, and then scoffs at my answer, saying, "Well, you don't have any kids, so you don't count," basically rendering my opinion invalid and unjustified.
Now, this friend, Cierra, became a mother at a young age, but I would consider her a Good Mom. There are times when I feel like she is being way too over-protective of her little boy, but other situations make me wonder why she isn't more concerned. That being said, I would never presume to tell her how to parent her child; while I may do things one way, she knows what is best for her son and how she should handle their lives. I know that all kids are different and have different needs.

Anyway, Cierra knows all about my career goal of being a Mom, and my last few jobs resulting in me having over 6oo kids. She knows how much I love my kids and how hard I work to make them feel loved and wanted (a lot of my kids come from ....let's say not the best home-lives....), but she also insists that I don't really have any "Real Mother Experience."


So here is a snippet of my Mother-Type Experience:


I've sat up all night with a crying kid in my lap, trying to soothe her to sleep.

I've been woken by a vomit-covered kid at my door, needing someone to stay with her and help her get cleaned up.

I bought pregnancy tests and held the hand of an expectant teenage-mother.

I held the hand of a rape victim, trying to convince her it wasn't her fault.

I teared up when my boy with autism admitted in front of a group of students that he could talk to me about anything.

I gave up my food and money to make sure my kids had enough to eat.

I left a job where I'd been punched, pushed, stabbed and cussed, but cried because I felt like I was letting the kids down.

I've tucked my kids into bed and sang them a goodnight lullaby.

I was a listening ear and a source of support when one of my boys told me he had thought of committing suicide.




This is by no means a comprehensive list, but merely a sneak-peak. To be fair, I haven't raised all of these kids since birth. But I've done my absolute best to be a good Momma from the moment they came into my life. I've said it before, and I'm sure that I'll say it again: I may not be a Mother in the strictest sense of the term, but I'm definitely a Momma, and you can't take that away from me. The love I have for all of my kids is definitely real and proven.

Questions? Comments? Similar situations you'd like to share with me? You know I can't wait to hear them!

I Have a Stoic Mind and a Bleeding Heart

Recently I posted an entry titled "Do You Have a Boyfriend, Yet?" that sort of explains why I'm single at this point in my life. After publishing that post, I've had a few guys sort of confront me about why we aren't dating, or why I didn't mention them specifically in the post. And while the confrontations irked me, I started thinking about the men in my life (past, and present) and why I am not with them.

I tend to play things pretty close to the chest. I get excited about potential relationships, but my heart hurts when they don't work out for whatever reason. Instead of showcasing this roller-coaster for everyone to see, I keep it all inside. I play the Stoic so that no one else can tell how upset I really am. Maybe that put a damper on some of my previous dating excursions, maybe it played no part. But perhaps I need to offer some explanations.

So here is to closure.

 The things I didn't have time to tell men before they left my life. The words I can't seem to find when actually standing in front of them. And some experiences I need to get out of my head and heart for good.

To the boy who gave me my first kiss

A good portion of my dating insecurities stem from you. You made me believe that you really liked me, but after you kissed me and your friend asked about it, you scoffed and said, "Not with *HER* are you kidding?!" Even now, when a guy seems interested in me, I wonder how long it will take him to realize there's something that makes me not good enough to date. Just like you did. 

To the men who proposed

I believe that you wanted me to marry you, but I don't believe that you loved me. Sure, you may have loved what I could have done for your circumstances, but you didn't love *me.* That's an important difference that I wasn't willing to overlook.

To the close friend who wanted more

We're too alike in some ways, and far too different in others. I love that we have inside jokes and can help take care of each other, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us. But I'm glad that we still have a solid friendship.

To the quick romances

You swept me off my feet from the start. But the more time went on, the more you let me down. Between not showing up for the dates *You* asked me out on, showing up drunk or stoned so that you had no idea what was going on, or kicking me out of your car because you didn't like what I had to say, our relationships went downhill fast. As well as things may have started between us, they ended just as quickly.

To the men who live too far away

One, or maybe both of us, needed more time and attention than we could give to each other. Between work, school, hobbies, time differences, and everything else life throws at us, we barely had time to talk, let alone actually see each other. So while we may truly want to try to make a relationship work, distance isn't a great way to start things off for us. And I bet we've had a quasi-fight to prove it. Maybe things can work out for us one day, but right now we know that bickering and vying for attention isn't a healthy start.

Knowing these stories, some of my friends say I have terrible dating luck. Others say that I have funny anecdotes if I ever need a story to tell. Mostly I see them as part of my journey. When I am meant to be in a relationship that works, I'll find a guy who puts in as much effort as I do. A man who wants me for me, not just for what I can do for his circumstance.

Is there an "...and they lived happily ever after" in my future?  I hope so, eventually, but I don't know.

If not, I guarantee I will still have "...and she lived. Happily." 

Do You Have a Boyfriend, Yet?

"I can't believe you're single!"
I hear this, or a variation of this, on a regular basis.


Let me break it down for you.

Guy 1: *Opens my car door for me.*
Guy 2: "You look lovely today, Katelyn."
Guy 3: *Buys my dinner unexpectedly.*
Guy 4: *Sings a Disney duet with me even though he hates singing in front of people.*

In all of the above examples, a different friend of mine showed that he cared about me in some form. All of these happened in about a 4 hour time span. They might not seem like giant acts of love, but they show that the guy was thinking about me and did something nice to show it. To me, it's more important that these are small acts of love. Anyone can show up and make a big gesture, but to make little gestures like these randomly mean more to me, personally.

 My guy friends are fantastic in this way. They all have their own girlfriends (or whatever), but they treat me with respect and show me, in their own ways, that I matter to them. No, they don't fawn over me, but they make an effort.

Now flash forward to my most recent date.

Conner asked me to go to dinner and a movie with him, and I accepted.The date went well enough. We enjoyed the show, made small talk and jokes, seemed genuinely interested in each other. But then he started making snide comments about me. Making "jokes" at my expense that were rude, and not at all funny. Insulting my intelligence in small ways. And at the end of the night, he was unmistakably mad that I wouldn't sleep with him. (Like I tell all my kiddos, if someone is mad at you for not having sex with them, no matter what your reason for declining, then you don't need to be with them, anyway.) But within the six hour duration of the date, the man who started off charming turned out to be nothing more than an overgrown, high school-style jerk. Good looking and suave at first, but in dire need of making himself look and feel good, even if it's at your expense.

(Sidebar: To be completely fair to him, Conner did ask me out on an official date. He gave me a few days notice and used the word "date." It drives me crazy when a guy asks if I "want to hang out in a bit." No, no I do not. I want you to ask me out to a specific place, at a specific time a few days in advance. Otherwise I feel like a last-minute replacement, and like you don't really care if I'm the one to show up. So Conner was better than other guys about actually asking me out; perhaps, though, that is part of the reason that I was slower to leave the date with him than I normally would have been. He was considerate in some ways, and that threw me off. )

I felt reasonably fine leaving the date the way I did. A little disappointed, sure, but I knew I hadn't found a future boyfriend, let alone anything more, but I had stayed true to myself. And that's what counts.


Yes, I want to be wanted, I want to be loved. But I'm not going to reduce myself to being some guys' punchline just to feel some semblance of romance. One of my favorite women put it best:


"You don't give me everything I want. You give me everything you want me to have!" ~~Audrey Hepburn

You want me to look pretty when we go out in public so that I make you look better in front of your friends, but you don't want me to be anything more than that. Ridiculous.

No, I don't want a man to dote on me constantly, but I do want a man who respects me and thinks I'm pretty great the way I am. Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but not if it makes me feel bad about myself. No, I don't want to be alone forever (no matter what other people think), but I'd rather be single than be with someone who thinks so little of me and shows it.

Recently, I went to check on a little boy whom I work with individually. While waiting to start the next assignment, this boy was talking to me and touched my hand. He seemed shocked when he felt how cold my hands were, but without missing a beat he says, "Your hands are so cold, let me hold them and make them better." Now that may not seem like much to anyone else, but that simple phrase and sweet gesture just about melted my heart. He was legitimately concerned for me, and just wanted to take care of me and make things better. He didn't obsess over my cold hands, he just did what he could to take care of it and continued on with his conversation. If this 5 year old little boy could be so sweet and thoughtful to a woman he cares about, I find it difficult to settle for being with a grown man who does anything less.

So maybe I am single and have been for a long time. Maybe I have great friends and students who have helped me set high expectations. But I believe that I deserve someone who treats me well, and I won't accept anything less.So for now I suppose I'll continue to go on random dates and hope for the best. And if the dates are bad and I don't find a boyfriend, well, at least I'll have something funny to write about.



Do you think I should give these guys more chances to be better men, or am I right for cutting my losses?  Am I too picky and setting my sights too high? Do you have a bad dating story that you'd like to share so I know I'm not alone? As always, I can't wait to hear from you.