"I can't believe you're single!"
I hear this, or a variation of this, on a regular basis.
Let me break it down for you.
Guy 1: *Opens my car door for me.*
Guy 2: "You look lovely today, Katelyn."
Guy 3: *Buys my dinner unexpectedly.*
Guy 4: *Sings a Disney duet with me even though he hates singing in front of people.*
In all of the above examples, a different friend of mine showed that he cared about me in some form. All of these happened in about a 4 hour time span. They might not seem like giant acts of love, but they show that the guy was thinking about me and did something nice to show it. To me, it's more important that these are small acts of love. Anyone can show up and make a big gesture, but to make little gestures like these randomly mean more to me, personally.
My guy friends are fantastic in this way. They all have their own girlfriends (or whatever), but they treat me with respect and show me, in their own ways, that I matter to them. No, they don't fawn over me, but they make an effort.
Now flash forward to my most recent date.
Conner asked me to go to dinner and a movie with him, and I accepted.The date went well enough. We enjoyed the show, made small talk and jokes, seemed genuinely interested in each other. But then he started making snide comments about me. Making "jokes" at my expense that were rude, and not at all funny. Insulting my intelligence in small ways. And at the end of the night, he was unmistakably mad that I wouldn't sleep with him. (Like I tell all my kiddos, if someone is mad at you for not having sex with them, no matter what your reason for declining, then you don't need to be with them, anyway.) But within the six hour duration of the date, the man who started off charming turned out to be nothing more than an overgrown, high school-style jerk. Good looking and suave at first, but in dire need of making himself look and feel good, even if it's at your expense.
(Sidebar: To be completely fair to him, Conner did ask me out on an official date. He gave me a few days notice and used the word "date." It drives me crazy when a guy asks if I "want to hang out in a bit." No, no I do not. I want you to ask me out to a specific place, at a specific time a few days in advance. Otherwise I feel like a last-minute replacement, and like you don't really care if I'm the one to show up. So Conner was better than other guys about actually asking me out; perhaps, though, that is part of the reason that I was slower to leave the date with him than I normally would have been. He was considerate in some ways, and that threw me off. )
I felt reasonably fine leaving the date the way I did. A little disappointed, sure, but I knew I hadn't found a future boyfriend, let alone anything more, but I had stayed true to myself. And that's what counts.Yes, I want to be wanted, I want to be loved. But I'm not going to reduce myself to being some guys' punchline just to feel some semblance of romance. One of my favorite women put it best:
"You don't give me everything I want. You give me everything you want me to have!" ~~Audrey Hepburn
You want me to look pretty when we go out in public so that I make you look better in front of your friends, but you don't want me to be anything more than that. Ridiculous.
No, I don't want a man to dote on me constantly, but I do want a man who respects me and thinks I'm pretty great the way I am. Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but not if it makes me feel bad about myself. No, I don't want to be alone forever (no matter what other people think), but I'd rather be single than be with someone who thinks so little of me and shows it.
Recently, I went to check on a little boy whom I work with individually. While waiting to start the next assignment, this boy was talking to me and touched my hand. He seemed shocked when he felt how cold my hands were, but without missing a beat he says, "Your hands are so cold, let me hold them and make them better." Now that may not seem like much to anyone else, but that simple phrase and sweet gesture just about melted my heart. He was legitimately concerned for me, and just wanted to take care of me and make things better. He didn't obsess over my cold hands, he just did what he could to take care of it and continued on with his conversation. If this 5 year old little boy could be so sweet and thoughtful to a woman he cares about, I find it difficult to settle for being with a grown man who does anything less.
So maybe I am single and have been for a long time. Maybe I have great friends and students who have helped me set high expectations. But I believe that I deserve someone who treats me well, and I won't accept anything less.So for now I suppose I'll continue to go on random dates and hope for the best. And if the dates are bad and I don't find a boyfriend, well, at least I'll have something funny to write about.
Do you think I should give these guys more chances to be better men, or am I right for cutting my losses? Am I too picky and setting my sights too high? Do you have a bad dating story that you'd like to share so I know I'm not alone? As always, I can't wait to hear from you.
