I Have a Stoic Mind and a Bleeding Heart

Recently I posted an entry titled "Do You Have a Boyfriend, Yet?" that sort of explains why I'm single at this point in my life. After publishing that post, I've had a few guys sort of confront me about why we aren't dating, or why I didn't mention them specifically in the post. And while the confrontations irked me, I started thinking about the men in my life (past, and present) and why I am not with them.

I tend to play things pretty close to the chest. I get excited about potential relationships, but my heart hurts when they don't work out for whatever reason. Instead of showcasing this roller-coaster for everyone to see, I keep it all inside. I play the Stoic so that no one else can tell how upset I really am. Maybe that put a damper on some of my previous dating excursions, maybe it played no part. But perhaps I need to offer some explanations.

So here is to closure.

 The things I didn't have time to tell men before they left my life. The words I can't seem to find when actually standing in front of them. And some experiences I need to get out of my head and heart for good.

To the boy who gave me my first kiss

A good portion of my dating insecurities stem from you. You made me believe that you really liked me, but after you kissed me and your friend asked about it, you scoffed and said, "Not with *HER* are you kidding?!" Even now, when a guy seems interested in me, I wonder how long it will take him to realize there's something that makes me not good enough to date. Just like you did. 

To the men who proposed

I believe that you wanted me to marry you, but I don't believe that you loved me. Sure, you may have loved what I could have done for your circumstances, but you didn't love *me.* That's an important difference that I wasn't willing to overlook.

To the close friend who wanted more

We're too alike in some ways, and far too different in others. I love that we have inside jokes and can help take care of each other, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us. But I'm glad that we still have a solid friendship.

To the quick romances

You swept me off my feet from the start. But the more time went on, the more you let me down. Between not showing up for the dates *You* asked me out on, showing up drunk or stoned so that you had no idea what was going on, or kicking me out of your car because you didn't like what I had to say, our relationships went downhill fast. As well as things may have started between us, they ended just as quickly.

To the men who live too far away

One, or maybe both of us, needed more time and attention than we could give to each other. Between work, school, hobbies, time differences, and everything else life throws at us, we barely had time to talk, let alone actually see each other. So while we may truly want to try to make a relationship work, distance isn't a great way to start things off for us. And I bet we've had a quasi-fight to prove it. Maybe things can work out for us one day, but right now we know that bickering and vying for attention isn't a healthy start.

Knowing these stories, some of my friends say I have terrible dating luck. Others say that I have funny anecdotes if I ever need a story to tell. Mostly I see them as part of my journey. When I am meant to be in a relationship that works, I'll find a guy who puts in as much effort as I do. A man who wants me for me, not just for what I can do for his circumstance.

Is there an "...and they lived happily ever after" in my future?  I hope so, eventually, but I don't know.

If not, I guarantee I will still have "...and she lived. Happily."