"You Don't Have Any Kids, So You Don't Count"

The last six jobs I've had, I worked with kids in some manner. Even if I'm only with these kids a short amount of time, I get attached. Before I know it, I love these kiddos, call them mine, and treat them as I would if they were biologically mine.

A few years ago I wrote a couple of posts touching on this topic: "They Call Me Momma Katelyn" and "It Doesn't Matter." One basically explains that my natural state is in the realm of motherhood, and the other offers examples of differences between me and my kids, but that none of them matter because they are, in fact, MY kids.

Recently, though, I've found myself becoming mad when a particular friend asks my opinion on something concerning kids, and then scoffs at my answer, saying, "Well, you don't have any kids, so you don't count," basically rendering my opinion invalid and unjustified.
Now, this friend, Cierra, became a mother at a young age, but I would consider her a Good Mom. There are times when I feel like she is being way too over-protective of her little boy, but other situations make me wonder why she isn't more concerned. That being said, I would never presume to tell her how to parent her child; while I may do things one way, she knows what is best for her son and how she should handle their lives. I know that all kids are different and have different needs.

Anyway, Cierra knows all about my career goal of being a Mom, and my last few jobs resulting in me having over 6oo kids. She knows how much I love my kids and how hard I work to make them feel loved and wanted (a lot of my kids come from ....let's say not the best home-lives....), but she also insists that I don't really have any "Real Mother Experience."


So here is a snippet of my Mother-Type Experience:


I've sat up all night with a crying kid in my lap, trying to soothe her to sleep.

I've been woken by a vomit-covered kid at my door, needing someone to stay with her and help her get cleaned up.

I bought pregnancy tests and held the hand of an expectant teenage-mother.

I held the hand of a rape victim, trying to convince her it wasn't her fault.

I teared up when my boy with autism admitted in front of a group of students that he could talk to me about anything.

I gave up my food and money to make sure my kids had enough to eat.

I left a job where I'd been punched, pushed, stabbed and cussed, but cried because I felt like I was letting the kids down.

I've tucked my kids into bed and sang them a goodnight lullaby.

I was a listening ear and a source of support when one of my boys told me he had thought of committing suicide.




This is by no means a comprehensive list, but merely a sneak-peak. To be fair, I haven't raised all of these kids since birth. But I've done my absolute best to be a good Momma from the moment they came into my life. I've said it before, and I'm sure that I'll say it again: I may not be a Mother in the strictest sense of the term, but I'm definitely a Momma, and you can't take that away from me. The love I have for all of my kids is definitely real and proven.

Questions? Comments? Similar situations you'd like to share with me? You know I can't wait to hear them!

I Have a Stoic Mind and a Bleeding Heart

Recently I posted an entry titled "Do You Have a Boyfriend, Yet?" that sort of explains why I'm single at this point in my life. After publishing that post, I've had a few guys sort of confront me about why we aren't dating, or why I didn't mention them specifically in the post. And while the confrontations irked me, I started thinking about the men in my life (past, and present) and why I am not with them.

I tend to play things pretty close to the chest. I get excited about potential relationships, but my heart hurts when they don't work out for whatever reason. Instead of showcasing this roller-coaster for everyone to see, I keep it all inside. I play the Stoic so that no one else can tell how upset I really am. Maybe that put a damper on some of my previous dating excursions, maybe it played no part. But perhaps I need to offer some explanations.

So here is to closure.

 The things I didn't have time to tell men before they left my life. The words I can't seem to find when actually standing in front of them. And some experiences I need to get out of my head and heart for good.

To the boy who gave me my first kiss

A good portion of my dating insecurities stem from you. You made me believe that you really liked me, but after you kissed me and your friend asked about it, you scoffed and said, "Not with *HER* are you kidding?!" Even now, when a guy seems interested in me, I wonder how long it will take him to realize there's something that makes me not good enough to date. Just like you did. 

To the men who proposed

I believe that you wanted me to marry you, but I don't believe that you loved me. Sure, you may have loved what I could have done for your circumstances, but you didn't love *me.* That's an important difference that I wasn't willing to overlook.

To the close friend who wanted more

We're too alike in some ways, and far too different in others. I love that we have inside jokes and can help take care of each other, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us. But I'm glad that we still have a solid friendship.

To the quick romances

You swept me off my feet from the start. But the more time went on, the more you let me down. Between not showing up for the dates *You* asked me out on, showing up drunk or stoned so that you had no idea what was going on, or kicking me out of your car because you didn't like what I had to say, our relationships went downhill fast. As well as things may have started between us, they ended just as quickly.

To the men who live too far away

One, or maybe both of us, needed more time and attention than we could give to each other. Between work, school, hobbies, time differences, and everything else life throws at us, we barely had time to talk, let alone actually see each other. So while we may truly want to try to make a relationship work, distance isn't a great way to start things off for us. And I bet we've had a quasi-fight to prove it. Maybe things can work out for us one day, but right now we know that bickering and vying for attention isn't a healthy start.

Knowing these stories, some of my friends say I have terrible dating luck. Others say that I have funny anecdotes if I ever need a story to tell. Mostly I see them as part of my journey. When I am meant to be in a relationship that works, I'll find a guy who puts in as much effort as I do. A man who wants me for me, not just for what I can do for his circumstance.

Is there an "...and they lived happily ever after" in my future?  I hope so, eventually, but I don't know.

If not, I guarantee I will still have "...and she lived. Happily." 

Do You Have a Boyfriend, Yet?

"I can't believe you're single!"
I hear this, or a variation of this, on a regular basis.


Let me break it down for you.

Guy 1: *Opens my car door for me.*
Guy 2: "You look lovely today, Katelyn."
Guy 3: *Buys my dinner unexpectedly.*
Guy 4: *Sings a Disney duet with me even though he hates singing in front of people.*

In all of the above examples, a different friend of mine showed that he cared about me in some form. All of these happened in about a 4 hour time span. They might not seem like giant acts of love, but they show that the guy was thinking about me and did something nice to show it. To me, it's more important that these are small acts of love. Anyone can show up and make a big gesture, but to make little gestures like these randomly mean more to me, personally.

 My guy friends are fantastic in this way. They all have their own girlfriends (or whatever), but they treat me with respect and show me, in their own ways, that I matter to them. No, they don't fawn over me, but they make an effort.

Now flash forward to my most recent date.

Conner asked me to go to dinner and a movie with him, and I accepted.The date went well enough. We enjoyed the show, made small talk and jokes, seemed genuinely interested in each other. But then he started making snide comments about me. Making "jokes" at my expense that were rude, and not at all funny. Insulting my intelligence in small ways. And at the end of the night, he was unmistakably mad that I wouldn't sleep with him. (Like I tell all my kiddos, if someone is mad at you for not having sex with them, no matter what your reason for declining, then you don't need to be with them, anyway.) But within the six hour duration of the date, the man who started off charming turned out to be nothing more than an overgrown, high school-style jerk. Good looking and suave at first, but in dire need of making himself look and feel good, even if it's at your expense.

(Sidebar: To be completely fair to him, Conner did ask me out on an official date. He gave me a few days notice and used the word "date." It drives me crazy when a guy asks if I "want to hang out in a bit." No, no I do not. I want you to ask me out to a specific place, at a specific time a few days in advance. Otherwise I feel like a last-minute replacement, and like you don't really care if I'm the one to show up. So Conner was better than other guys about actually asking me out; perhaps, though, that is part of the reason that I was slower to leave the date with him than I normally would have been. He was considerate in some ways, and that threw me off. )

I felt reasonably fine leaving the date the way I did. A little disappointed, sure, but I knew I hadn't found a future boyfriend, let alone anything more, but I had stayed true to myself. And that's what counts.


Yes, I want to be wanted, I want to be loved. But I'm not going to reduce myself to being some guys' punchline just to feel some semblance of romance. One of my favorite women put it best:


"You don't give me everything I want. You give me everything you want me to have!" ~~Audrey Hepburn

You want me to look pretty when we go out in public so that I make you look better in front of your friends, but you don't want me to be anything more than that. Ridiculous.

No, I don't want a man to dote on me constantly, but I do want a man who respects me and thinks I'm pretty great the way I am. Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but not if it makes me feel bad about myself. No, I don't want to be alone forever (no matter what other people think), but I'd rather be single than be with someone who thinks so little of me and shows it.

Recently, I went to check on a little boy whom I work with individually. While waiting to start the next assignment, this boy was talking to me and touched my hand. He seemed shocked when he felt how cold my hands were, but without missing a beat he says, "Your hands are so cold, let me hold them and make them better." Now that may not seem like much to anyone else, but that simple phrase and sweet gesture just about melted my heart. He was legitimately concerned for me, and just wanted to take care of me and make things better. He didn't obsess over my cold hands, he just did what he could to take care of it and continued on with his conversation. If this 5 year old little boy could be so sweet and thoughtful to a woman he cares about, I find it difficult to settle for being with a grown man who does anything less.

So maybe I am single and have been for a long time. Maybe I have great friends and students who have helped me set high expectations. But I believe that I deserve someone who treats me well, and I won't accept anything less.So for now I suppose I'll continue to go on random dates and hope for the best. And if the dates are bad and I don't find a boyfriend, well, at least I'll have something funny to write about.



Do you think I should give these guys more chances to be better men, or am I right for cutting my losses?  Am I too picky and setting my sights too high? Do you have a bad dating story that you'd like to share so I know I'm not alone? As always, I can't wait to hear from you.

Let's Play the Dating Game

A few weeks ago I wrote the post "In a game of truth or dare, I always picked truth." In that post, I mentioned that I don't think of myself as brave and I asked for comments or suggestions on activities that I should do to increase my bravery.
One of the comments requested that I ask someone random out on a date. Well this is the update on my random date. I hope you enjoy.

A while back I was at a work event where multiple businesses presented information and tried to get students interested in them for the future. At this function, a man that I'd met briefly at another function kept making a point to talk to me. Now (according to a friend) I normally have "the flirting observance and ability of a spork"; however, on that particular day I was with a friend who pointed out that this man, Miles, was hitting on me.

After talking a little (and finding out that he wasn't a complete creeper) Miles asked me on a date. A little hesitant, but remembering my challenge, I agreed to the date. To my credit, I didn't let him pick me up at my house, and we met in a crowded area during the daylight hours so that I would feel more at ease.

The date went well enough: not my best first date, but not my worst, either. We had dinner and walked around downtown looking at the new decorations and listening to street performers. That part was fine. What was unsettling was all the information he was divulging about his life. He told me that he was 36 years old, had been married and divorced twice, he had a daughter with one of his wives but that they ran away years ago and he hadn't been able to find them. He also said that he had been in the Marines for years and was suffering from PTSD, and that's why he wanted to go out with me: I reminded him of his mother and he knew that I could help take care of him and all his problems.

That wasn't everything he told me, but you get the idea. Needless to say, I was ready to call it a night. I was on information overload and my "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" warning was going off in my mind. I'm sure he was a good man and just needed help with his life. But he needed this help in the form of a therapist, not a date.

The date comes to an end, and I evade answering his question about a second date. I make it home and promptly tell the friend who encouraged me to go on the date that she is not allowed to suggest I go on dates ever again. Sure, a spork might be able to flirt better than I can, but I don't need to practice flirting so badly that I go on dates where I feel completely uncomfortable. I'll just wait to go on a date where I can be myself and things come naturally. I won't have to force myself to flirt or make a connection.  I can be the best version of myself instead of taking cues from other people about how to be them and work through a date.

So even though this random date didn't end with a "Happily Ever After," I think it still qualifies for boosting my bravery and doing something outside of my usual routine. I definitely felt pushed past my comfort level: I went on a random date, had several awkward conversations, and was compared to my dates mother. But I still made it home at the end of the night and was able to celebrate that little victory with pie. So all in all, it wasn't a horrendous experience. Like I said, not my best date, but also not my worst.

Do you have any funny, ridiculous, embarrassing first-date stories? How would you have handled being on this date that I described? Do you think I should have agreed to the date in the first place since I was hesitant, or do you think I did the right thing by being brave and going out? As always, I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

"You Can't Marry Someone You Just Met, Anna!"

"Love can't always be perfect. Love is just love." 

I don't believe in Soul Mates.
I do not think that there is one perfect person out there for everyone.
In my mind, two people are not destined to be together, no matter their situation.

I believe in love, but not in Soul Mates.

In the movie "Ever After," Prince Henry  is having trouble believing that there is only one perfect match.

Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
Leonardo da Vinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
Henry: How can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?Leonardo da Vinci: You learn to pay attention. 
Henry: Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be?" 

Prince Henry has some valid questions.

Like I said earlier, I believe in love, I just don't believe in Soul Mates. I think the euphoric feeling you get when you're in love can make it seem as if you've found the one perfect person with whom you are supposed to spend the rest of your life; but I don't believe that we each have that one special person. I think love is hard work. It's messy. It's frustrating, annoying, and wonderful. Finding someone who understands you, gets your sense of humor, knows what makes you fighting mad, and is still willing to stand by your side no matter what, THAT is wonderful. But that doesn't happen in the blink of an eye. You might meet your ideal person, but unless both of you are willing to put in the effort that it takes to get to know each other on a more substantial level, then what good is it? "Oh yes, I met my perfect man, but we never talk. We have the same values, and he is great looking. But there is no real connection." That's not love. That's a decent roommate.

It is possible to fall in love successfully with anyone, as long as both of you are willing to work for it. If you are giving it your all, and the other person is just glad to have someone fawn over them, that is unrequited love, and (in my opinion) not successful. Some days you'll be so frustrated with your honey that you just want to strangle him. Pushing past that feeling and working to better the situation for both people is part of love. It isn't easy, but it's worth it.

Personally, I think this idea of a Soul Mate is one reason for relationships not lasting. People get so wrapped up in believing that meeting "The One" will magically make their life infinitely better. Yet, the first time there is any trouble at all in the relationship, they get scared and run away in search of the perfect partner. Instead of staying and fighting for a good relationship, they give up and look for someone else to make their lives easier. Granted, this isn't the only reason that relationships fail, but I think it at least part of it.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in love. I believe in falling in love. I'm a romantic at heart. I just don't think that there is ONE person for each of us. I do, however, believe that two people can have so much in common, have such a good time together, and fall in love so much that they FEEL like there is no one else in the world for them. No one else can push their buttons the same way, no one else can make them laugh as hard, no one else makes them feel special in that unique way. But it isn't magic, or fate. It is just love.

A lot of people scoff when I tell them my opinion. They say that I'm cynical because I haven't found "The One" for me yet, and that I will change my mind when it finally happens. Maybe they are right, (I don't think so, but hey, it could happen.) P!nk might have it right when she sings "I'm not a victim of cliches / I don't believe is soulmates / happy endings or "The One" / But then I met you and all that changed / I had a taste and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue."  But for now, I'll continue believing in love instead of soul mates.

Do you believe in Soul Mates? How do you feel about Love At First Sight? Do you think two people are destined to be together despite everything, or is it all left to chance? How do you know that you've found The One for you? As always, I look forward to what you have to say.

Happy Valentine's Day, I love you all! 

You've Been Hacked

I work three jobs, and I am paid for each of them via electronic direct deposit. And until recently, this has worked out splendidly.
 I would work my normal hours for each job, submit my timesheet, and once payday arrived, I just checked my online banking statement to make sure that I was accurately compensated for my work. I didn't have to wait in line at the bank on Friday afternoon in an attempt to get my check cashed before the weekend. It was a pretty good gig.

Recently, however, there was an incident with using my debit card.

I went to the store to pick a few things. These weren't "Emergency Items" that I absolutely had to have at that exact moment, but they were things that I would need soon. Thinking this was an easy errand, I just grabbed my wallet and car keys, not bothering to take my entire purse.

So I'm at the store, picking out what I need, and making my way up to the cashier so that I can pay for my items. Everything is scanned and the girl behind the counter says that my total is $23.18. I slide my card through the machine and enter my pin number the same way I have for three years. But this girl behind the counter looks confused, and calls a supervisor over for assistance. He makes the same confused face, pushes a few buttons on her machine, and asks me to slide my card again. I slide my card through, slower this time thinking that it simply didn't register the first time. But still the cashier and her supervisor had an odd look on their faces. Once again he pushes a few buttons and asks me to slide my card one more time. Trying to convince myself that I accidentally entered the wrong PIN number, I slide my card a final time. The confused look still on their faces, I know that my card has been declined for a third time.

I don't get cash anymore because everything is online through Direct Deposit, so I can't pay for my items that way, and I left my purse at home, which had my checkbook in it. The cashier and supervisor start apologizing to me for not being able to help, I apologize to them for this happening in the first place. Needless to say there was a lot of embarrassment and apologizing, especially on my part. I was dumbfounded and nervous because I had been confident that there was money in my account for this purchase.

Driving home I'm having this mini-heart attack: Had I accidentally overdrawn my account? Did I use my college PIN number mistakenly? Was there a way that I could reactivate my card after it had been declined three times? My heart was pounding and my mind was racing like this until I finally got in touch with the bank.

I get home and talk to someone in charge at my bank. To make a longer-than-intended-story shorter, I'll just say that she told me my information had been compromised and that someone had tried to steal my account/card information, and, as a result, my card had been canceled to prevent them from accessing my funds. Okay, at least now I know that it wasn't something that I had done. But then I think about how terrifying it would have been if this had gone unnoticed: some random person could have spent all of my money (granted, it wasn't a lot, but it was all mine), and used my information to rack up more debt and purchases in my name. And there was nothing I could have done about it. I didn't have the $20 in cash it took to buy the basics at the store, I sure didn't have the cash to do things like pay my bills or buy food. I would have been completely out of luck.

The point of my story (which is longer than I planned, sorry) is to say that I'm STILL not a huge fan of this electronic age we are in. Because of modern technology, many of us could potentially be without any source of money, and therefore without many other essentials for living. If I didn't live in a small town where the bank teller knows my name, has seen me grow up, and keeps tabs on typical financial purchases, I could have lost a significant amount of money (*a significant amount to me*)

Have you been a victim of identity theft or credit card fraud? How did you feel? Was it resolved before any damage was done, or did the perpetrator get away with it? How do you feel about the all-electronic age that we live in?

Starting the New Year

The New Year.
A lot of people make resolutions for how they intend to make themselves better people once the new year starts. Others see this as a time to start over with a clean slate. Some people continue to live their lives as if nothing but the date has changed. Celebration (or non-celebration in some cases) is completely individualized.

Personally, I am typically one of those people who only see New Years as a change of the calendar. I can't remember a time when I made resolutions, or when I thought of January 1st as the beginning of a new era for me. For the purpose of this blog, though, I'm considering an alternative route.

A significant number of people I know are doing the "Truth is" posts, or "Ask me anything" questions on Facebook. This will be my version. To start the new year, you can ask me something you've always wanted to know. About my experiences, beliefs, quirks. Whatever you're curious about. You can ask and I'll answer.

So, this is my clean slate. Anything you want to know, comment and ask your question. I can't wait to see what kind of questions you come up with for me to answer.

Good luck to all those who made resolutions!