I love and take care of a lot of high school girls. And like most girls that age, my girls are having issues with the boys in their lives. The troubles vary from person to person, but a common theme I've heard is that the guys flirt with them, but then cut them down. Now, this isn't flirtatious-teasing that goes on in most relationships; these are personal digs meant to belittle the person they are directed toward.
I consider myself a very independent person. So, when a guy that is trying to "talk" to me points out one of my actions that was not as independent as it could have been, I am taken aback. My jaw drops and I squint my eyes in the "I can't believe you just said that to me" look that I have mastered. I get defensive and lose interest in anything else that he has to say. So I can definitely understand what my girls are talking about.
One girl in particular, let's call her Brittany, has struggled with her body image. Like her Momma, (that would be me!) she is a thick girl [for the definition of being a thick girl, read my previous post "You Don't Get to Comment on My Body!"]. Since Brittany is in high school, she is not as comfortable with her beautiful body as she should be, but she is working on loving and feeling comfortable with herself. Brittany is courting this guy who knows that she isn't always content with how she looks, and usually things are A-Okay. There are times, though, when this guy will comment on how Brittany looks: "That shirt makes you look fat," or "You're looking a little chunky today. Did you have extra dessert last night?"
When I hear stories like this, personally, I want to drop-kick this punk. Being in a relationship of any kind, is about supporting and helping the other person. It's not about asserting yourself as the most powerful or the best. The relationship is give and take, back and forth, with love and support, not cutting one person down to make yourself look or feel better.
To me, it seems as if this is not the best start to a healthy relationship. In fact, it is nowhere near "best start," but closer to the neighborhood of "This feels hinky..." Sure Mr. Wonderful says all the right things most of the time, but when he says the wrong thing, it is completely wrong. This isn't the typical male "I can't say anything right" but a more serious version. This is where he says something that hurts you as a person. He makes you feel insecure and like a child, or like you are beneath him, in a relationship where you should feel like his equal. I see this as a way of asserting his dominance and power; that is a situation you do not want to be in. That will not end well for you, honey.
Maybe I've got it all wrong: maybe when guys say things like this, they are really just trying to impress us. They want us to know how well they are doing for themselves so that we will be more attracted to them. Maybe he thinks that he is flirting, but in reality has no idea how obnoxious he is acting, and how much we are starting to hate him. "Oh yeah, he's big and strong, and can do all these things. I love him! *Swoon* " Nope. That's not what we're thinking. It's more like, "Wow, What a jerk?!"
Like I said, maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe homeboy really is a good guy and just doesn't realize what he sounds like when saying these terrible things. Maybe he is just trying to impress you with how AMAZING he is. But you have to trust your gut on this. If you feel like things aren't going well, if you find yourself in similar situations and are uncomfortable with them, then get out. Cut your losses, dump the loser, and find a guy who appreciates all of who you are. One who builds you up instead of breaking you down.
I know that I and my girls can't be the only ones who have had these "Are you sure that you like me....?" thoughts and situations. So, what are some of your stories? Were you ever involved with a jerk, and if so, what did you do? From a guy's point of view, am I on the wrong track? Is there something in the Guy Code that explains this ridiculous behavior, and I've just missed it? As always, I look forward to hearing what you have to say!
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