Sometimes I Wonder...

Normally I'm the happiest person in the world. I'm unnaturally peppy; I can find a silver lining in the darkest of storms, when everyone else has abandoned ship. But I'm not just a blonde bobble-head with glitter for brains. Sometimes I wonder...



Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't moved away from Indianapolis.
Would I be the same person I am now? Would I have the same morals and ideals?


Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been like all the other girls.
Sometimes I wonder if my independence made me a target.
Or did I simply separate myself in an attempt to keep myself from being judged negatively and hurt?


Sometimes I wonder: If I hadn't tried so hard to succeed, would I have had friends in high school?
Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happy with myself had I not tried so hard.
Was that just a time in my life where I had to deal with trials and troubles to understand how lucky I was in other ways?


Sometimes I wonder if I should have skipped going to college.
I really loved performing. Was I supposed to pursue a career in music, even after having my lung surgery?

Sometimes I wonder if I should have said "yes" to any of the three men who proposed to me.
But I know that I didn't love any of them, and I wouldn't have been happy, even if I was taken care of.
Sometimes I wonder if another man will ask me to marry him in the future.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just better off alone.Will I be the lonely old woman that everyone calls Aunt because she doesn't have a family of her own?
And then I wonder if I am capable of love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm silly for not being more career-minded. But then I remember how much I love just being a momma.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have children of my own, or if I will serve as a momma to those children whose real mothers don't truly appreciate them.


Sometimes I wonder if I'm too sensitive.
Are my feelings too easily hurt, or are people actually that hateful?
Sometimes I wonder if I've had a positive impact on anyone's life. And then I can't think of an example that would set my mind at ease.


Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I ran away.
Then, if they noticed, would they care?
Would anyone come looking for me?


I know that my family loves me, they are obligated to.
But sometimes I wonder if they like me?
Do they tolerate me because they are required to, or are they genuinely interested in me as a person?


Sometimes I wonder if I will be going through the motions my entire life.
Or will I find something that makes me happy?
Are people disappointed in me because I could have done more with my life?


I know that this isn't my typical upbeat and entertaining post. But I've been wondering about a lot of things lately and needed to get them off my chest. Maybe me writing these down and putting them out there for the world to see will help someone else; let people know that they aren't alone. And just because someone puts on a happy face doesn't mean that their life is perfect and care-free. You never know what troubles a beautiful smile might be masking. Surely someone out there can relate to one of these topics...