I hate conflict. Hearing people fight makes me feel anxious. Growing up, seeing my brother or sister getting in trouble made me so nervous that I had to leave the room. Simply observing these encounters, it's almost as if I'm the one in the fight. Usually, I would much rather go with the flow and have everyone get along.
However, there are those occasions where it is better to go against the grain. (Notice: I'm not saying that you should be a mindless, crowd-following zombie. I'm just saying that there is no need to start a fight over petty issues.)
At work recently, I heard a group of co-workers having a discussion during lunch. It wasn't a hot-button issue (like abortion, gay marriage, or anything like that), but I was curious to see how a few people responded. I knew what some of them had told me in one-on-one conversations, but I hadn't had a chance to talk to others about their point of view and was genuinely curious about their responses. To my surprise, everyone agreed with the person who started this conversation. That seemed odd to me, considering what those people told me in our personal conversations, but I just continued to listen. Finally, there was one man who stated that he had a conflicting opinion. The group looked at him strangely at first, as if to say "How Dare You Not Agree With What Everyone Else Has Said," but eventually relaxed their posture and let him explain his view. After listening to his reasoning, a handful of people bit their bottom lips in nervousness and admitted that they had thought the same things. One man having the courage to stand up for himself and his way of thinking gave other people the guts to do the same thing.
One of my kids, James, has talked to me about a problem he's having with a few of his friends. I'm not giving out details here, but the gist of things is that he doesn't agree with the way that his friends are acting. These kids have been friends for a long time, and James doesn't want to lose any of them; however, he is torn between keeping these friends and acting in the way that he knows is right. After taking a few days to consider his options, James came to me with his decision: he is going to stand up for what he knows is right. If these people are really his friends, they will accept that he is doing something differently than they are, but will still accept him. If they don't accept his actions, then he didn't need them as friends anyway. Why would you want someone in your life who was negative about your choices and made you feel bad about your actions? You don't need "friends" who make everything around you toxic. You are better off without them. And odds are that you will be a better person without them around.
Situation like this don't just happen during adolescence; people will try to tell you what to do, or what you aren't allowed to do, your entire life. Parents, teachers, bosses, friends, strangers. There are a lot of people who think they know what is best for you, and that you should follow their every word. Sure, these people might have some good suggestions, but you have to decide for yourself who you are, and what you need to do with your life. If you let others dictate your life, are you really being yourself? Or are you being what other people want you to be? Maybe you're fine with following the directions that others have laid out for you, and if that's the case, then good for you. If that's your system, enjoy it. However, that would drive me bonkers. I appreciate that there are people out there who want to help me, and only want what is best for me; however, some of the "advice" they peddle isn't right for me. Whatever you decide (following every order, taking advice with a grain of salt,or rebelling against what everyone tells you), just make sure that you are being true to yourself.
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