Strumming My Pain With His Fingers

This post is about suicide...

"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. It eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better."

 Majority of the people who read my posts are young adults. This means that these wonderful people are in high school, or working their way through college usually, but they are all experiencing difficult times. The stressors of school and work, figuring out who you are and how that fits in with the rest of the world, having the courage to stand up for yourself when the rest of society says that you are wrong; all of these place a burden on the shoulders of young adults, especially.

Whether it is from being thrown into different roles than what they are used to and therefore are unsure of how to act, or whether they feel like they don't have the proper support at home (or wherever), or if they feel like the world is telling them what they can/cannot do and that they don't get to make their own decisions, this stage of non-understanding leads to thoughts of desperation, hopelessness, and "the world would be a better place if I weren't in it."

That's right. A lot of people have thoughts about suicide.

(I'm about to get real honest with you, real fast. What you're about to read is something that I've never told anyone. Not my parents, my siblings, my best friend. No one.)

When I was in high school I thought about suicide. A lot. I believed I was the scum of the earth and that the world would be better off if I was no longer a part of it. I felt abandoned and knew that no one would miss me if I was gone. I hated struggling to get through the day; I had this continuous feeling of worthlessness and anxiety that placed a lump in my throat the size of a baseball. I saw my life spiraling out of my control; twisting and turning like a roller-coaster without a track to guide it. Days, weeks, months went by and I forced a smile, hid my tears, and put on a facade so that people around wouldn't ask me "What's wrong?" There wasn't a day that I didn't think about ways to kill myself.

Eventually I got out of the toxic environment that had me believing I was a terrible excuse for a person. I realized that I was smart enough to find my way through the "Maze of Life" instead of getting stuck in one of the dead-ends. But even after escaping this torturous location, I still had this self-loathing state of mind. After being told everyday that I was unlovable, it was hard to escape that way of thinking. At this point, I wasn't thinking about suicide on a daily basis like I was before, but it still entered my mind from time to time.(Let me make one thing clear: while I thought a lot about committing suicide, I never made an attempt.)

After some personal reflection, I figured out what had me feeling so depressed and dejected. I got in a better frame of mind and was able to pull myself away from suicidal ideas for good. I had to work at making myself believe that I was worth something (worth anything) and that I could take control of my life. Some days it was tougher than others, but it was definitely worth it. Now, I have great friends, a fantastic job that enables me to work with wonderful students and love them as my own children, and I am in control of my life. I no longer let the negative attitudes of other people bring me down. I know that I am doing the best I can with my life, and I have people who love me. I'm happy with that. I have a blessed life, and that's enough for me.

I tell you all of this only to let you know that there is hope. You are not the only one struggling, and it will get better. I know that life seems dismal, like an up-hill battle that you can't win, and that you are doomed to feel this way forever. It's tough, but you can get past feeling hopelessly crushed by life. But this can only happen if you give it a chance to. If you end your life, you aren't giving yourself the chance to show the world just how fantastic you are. Whether it is simply changing locations, getting rid of negative people in your life, seeing a counselor on a regular basis and starting an anti-depressant, or sheer determination to kick this feeling, it is possible to beat thoughts of suicide and depression.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, tell an adult: a parent, teacher, counselor, someone that you trust. Feeling suicidal is not an elaborate scheme for getting attention, please don't take it as such. If someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide you should take that very seriously, and assist them in getting the proper help. If you don't know where else to turn, you can always call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).